See You In Hell!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Paging Mr. Sushi....

And now, a random story from my static-filled, constantly crashing memory banks.

Burma, 1936 (HA! No, actually it was Albuquerque, 1996).
My coworkers and I had decided to phone in our lunch order to Mr. Sushi, one of the few sushi joints in ABQ at that time. My friend, Thea, volunteered to do it because she professed to know the phone number by heart. What follows is a transcript of that phone call:

The Presumed Mr. Sushi: Hello?

Thea: Hi, is this Mr. Sushi?

The (incorrectly)Presumed Mr. Sushi: (pause) Um, noooooo. This is Doug.

Thea: OH MY GOD! I'M SORRY!!!!! (slamming down the phone and turning every derivative of the color red, including vermilion).

We laughed our asses off for about the next hour, and ended up eating ice cream for lunch at DQ. Then we spent the next week calling Thea up at odd hours and asking to speak to Mr. Sushi:

"Hi! Is Mr. Sushi available?"

"Good afternoon! May I please speak with the raw fish of the house?"

"This is the lab calling with Mr. Sushi's test results"

and so on.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Survived Minotia!

Okay, granted i missed my 10-year reunion (a few weeks past) but that was the weekend when both Amycita and the rents were in town, so i think that was probably better than getting tanked and potentially telling people in high school that they f'ing suck for making my life suck? (or at least something sucked a hell of a lot. may have just been teen angst, who knows? it seems that some people loved high school tho and those people have always confused the hell out of me. there were good parts, but damn, overall? wouldn't want to re-live that for anything).

A prize memory was I wore a black ribbon around my neck. I heard everything from 'when you take that off, does your head fall off?' to 'you're a whore' and then the next year the preppie chix all wore chokers and such from claires and thot they were the shit? ahh, the joys of being young.

any thots on 10-years or reunions in general? i've heard the 10 year can often be a high school flashback (not good, obviously) while the later ones are better.

anywho, went back to mindrot this past weekend and had a nice time hanging w/ the rents. we went to the josh duhamel restaurant and it was actually pretty good, especially for minot! However, when i got to a fancypants restaurant, i expect the waitstaff to NEVER hand me a plate, but instead, put it on the table, no matter how oddly shaped the table is and how they may require go-go-gadget arms to do it. the unexpected happened and yes, i'm a food snob and go to too many fancy restaurants, but i have a love of truffles (not the sweets) and other snooty foods, so what am i to do?

the rents are doing well and it's always good to see them and my friend Lisa, who I've known since i was 5 and she still totally kix ass.

beyond that, driving that long is kinda sucky, but it's good to be home and see my whiny baby! Mr. Pabs, beyond being extremley meow-ee, made it through just fine.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Who loves Martin Zellar, HANDS UP!!!!

C'mon, profess your love!! Let's hear it!!!!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Adventures at the gym...

Ok. I did my dutiful thirty-something morning workout today, and went swimming at 6 am. Really.

While I was in the shower, this positively Lilliputian old Asian woman took the shower stall next to me, and proceeded to MORE than make up for her diminutive stature by routinely hocking up loogies the size of Monaco. IN THE SHOWER. I thought - hoped and prayed, actually - that this type of behavior was limited to my husband, but alas, no. I must remember to tell him that his REAL soulmate is actually a withered old Chinese woman with a massive mucus problem.

Then, as I walked back to my locker, I passed the scale, where a toothpick-sized, bobble-head of a woman was weighing herself. NAKED. God fucking forbid that those clothes add an extra 2 ounces (or that she might put somebody's eye out with those spearlike elbows, or sharp, protruding hip bones). One of these days I am going to succumb to the temptation to slyly put my foot on the back of the scale and rocket their weight up to 102. That'll learn 'em.

The weird thing is that the scale is right next to the return air grille; I'm always shocked that I don't see these toothpick women, with segments of linguine for limbs, suctioned up against the grille, squeaking "SEE! I'm even too fat to fit between these louvers!"

Saturday, August 20, 2005

What happens when I babysit...

what happens when I babysit...

Friday, August 19, 2005

Tell me your "drunk" stories...

Let me start the ball rolling with the time at Carmen & Craig's wedding, where we went out and all got mega ultra trashed after the ceremony. When we got back to Carmen's parents' house (I was staying on the couch), I was trying to get out of my jeans and into bed, but I couldn’t for the life of me seem to untie my doc martens boots. I drunkenly fumbled with the knots for what seemed like hours, and finally decided that my only escape was to saw through the laces with my keys. This probably took another 20 minutes, but I managed to get the job done. In the morning I was shocked when I went to put my boots on and saw the shredded laces.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

bracelets, schmacelets...

I am SO sick of all those damn little rubbery plastic bracelets everybody is wearing. I guess Lance Armstrong started it all off with the "Livestrong" thing, and that was fine, but now they have bracelets for every fucking thing under the sun. I've actually seen people wearing so damn many of these multi-colored bands that their arm resembles those african tribes where the women extend their necks with, like, 327 metal hoops.

I would like to design my OWN bracelet, preferably black in color, that says simply, "Look! I have a plastic fucking bracelet!! So suck on that, bitches!!!"

Monday, August 15, 2005

3 little

3 little devils

motha f'ing done beeyotch!

"The Graduate School has verified that all academic requirements necessary for the award of the degree have been met, and if there are no outstanding financial obligations, your degree will be conferred on August 31, 2005."

never have i received a formal e-mail that made me soo gleeful and gay! (yep, that's for you, jege...not in that way, sickos! like i love my sister, but i don't


my sister. and no, not even if cash is involved, doesn't work, let it go.)

I can now join the rest o' the fam in being a Master! couldn't be the only one in the fam with tattoos, piercings AND no advanced degree, it just wouldn't be right.

So in 3 months or so, Mimsy & Jimbo will receive my diploma. We'll hopefully be in a new house by then as we find out this Wed. how much the realtor thinks we can sell it for. *fingers crossed*

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Cross Stitching Kicks Ass!

It must be a nesting instinct or something but I have been getting a strange urge to cross stitch something, so I need some ideas of what the saying should be. I personally like Jege's "Go Fuck Yourself" cross stitched pillow (esp when the cat sits in front of certain letters so it reads "Fuck our elf."--if there aren't already pix of this posted on the blog, then shame on you, Jege.) But I think I need an original one. Please offer up suggestions; profanity preferred, but not required.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Yeah, right.


Hah! No fucking way.

Oh, and if you can't read this, email me or post your email address in the comments section, and I will send you the large version.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

What does it mean...

....when the lady in front of you at the grocery store has only 4 items, and those 4 items are 3 bottles of wine and a pregnancy test?

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

What a giant, steaming, evil, hateful pile of shit:

There is a special place in hell for Focus on the Family. Just read THIS horrifying crock of right-wing crap:

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Entrepreneurial Deer

I really like my little town! I was riding my bike tonight and I saw a deer just standing right next to the bike path. I slowed down and he did this beautifully graceful leap and then stopped and turned back to look at me (I was like, what, now it's my turn to leap?) Anyhoo, we just kind of stared at each other for a while. He was so elegant and alert. Finally the spell was broken when a kid on a bike rode up, then the deer again leaped away (they bound away all extra high up with their legs all tucked in, it can hardly be an energy effective method of transport, but it sure looks pretty). Thus ended my enchanting nature experience. I wondered if maybe these deer do barmitzvahs and golden wedding anniversaries and shit. Like maybe the deer would have a card that said something like: Experience the Grace and Wonder of Interacting with Wildlife. Call 555-1234 and ask for Jason or Carl. And like when they aren't performing acts of grace and wonderment they are around the corner smoking and picking at their hooves. Next time I am gonna bring a camera and get a picture of these deer. I have seen at least between 4 and 6 since I have been here. I know there are at least four b/c I saw them all together, and then on two occassions I have seen a single deer. I figure maybe there are only so many deer working one area.

ACME car alarms....

While commenting on Thomas' blog, ( , the idea for a new business occurred to me: Car alarms. But not just everyday, annoying, BEEP BEEP BEEP, WHOO WHOO WHOO car alarms. No siree, bob.
My company will have alarms like:
  • The Fran Drescher Laughing Car Alarm

....and so on. Who wants in? Post your car alarm ideas and we'll talk.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Dude, the lead singer from everclear is like, totally my neighbor…

Okay, so he's not like a next-door neighbor or anything, but he does live in my neighborhood, several blocks away. It was a little bit of a shock to see him just chillin' on his front porch with a newspaper and his cat, but I handled it well. Those of you who know me know that typically, I would run up to the porch, and immediately start talking to and petting the cat, paying very little attention to the famous musician himself. But I resisted.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

disturbing item found in a wisconsin convenience store whilst on vacation....

disturbing item found in wisconsin convenience store... scent wafers....... ("we've secretly replaced the catholic church's communion wafers with sex scent wafers. let's see if they'll notice....")

No? Well how about this new outdoorsy classic from Coco Chanel:

disturbing item found in wisconsin convenience store...