See You In Hell!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Adventures at the gym...

Ok. I did my dutiful thirty-something morning workout today, and went swimming at 6 am. Really.

While I was in the shower, this positively Lilliputian old Asian woman took the shower stall next to me, and proceeded to MORE than make up for her diminutive stature by routinely hocking up loogies the size of Monaco. IN THE SHOWER. I thought - hoped and prayed, actually - that this type of behavior was limited to my husband, but alas, no. I must remember to tell him that his REAL soulmate is actually a withered old Chinese woman with a massive mucus problem.

Then, as I walked back to my locker, I passed the scale, where a toothpick-sized, bobble-head of a woman was weighing herself. NAKED. God fucking forbid that those clothes add an extra 2 ounces (or that she might put somebody's eye out with those spearlike elbows, or sharp, protruding hip bones). One of these days I am going to succumb to the temptation to slyly put my foot on the back of the scale and rocket their weight up to 102. That'll learn 'em.

The weird thing is that the scale is right next to the return air grille; I'm always shocked that I don't see these toothpick women, with segments of linguine for limbs, suctioned up against the grille, squeaking "SEE! I'm even too fat to fit between these louvers!"

19 Comments:

Blogger Jim V said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Thursday, August 25, 2005 at 1:00:00 PM PDT

 
Blogger Jim V said...

Sorry, trying to comment but the keys on my laptop keep sticking because of all the VOMIT that was thrust into them after reading this post.

I for one have chosen to never get old. I will just be 33 forever.

Thursday, August 25, 2005 at 1:01:00 PM PDT

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

That's what Jesus said...and look what happened to him....

Thursday, August 25, 2005 at 1:04:00 PM PDT

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Portland is full of disgusting spitters. It is the one common trait that cuts across all levels of society: nuns, homeless people, businessmen, mothers pushing baby strollers, amway salesmen, senators, mimes, creative anachronists, I have seen them all hock one in the middle of a busy street. Now I know they do it indoors as well.

Thursday, August 25, 2005 at 1:15:00 PM PDT

 
Blogger Jim V said...

So when a mime hocks up a loogie, does an actual loogie come forth, or does he just move his eyes and hands in astonishment as though watching the faux-loogie arc through the air?

Also, if a mime hocks a loogie inside his little fake box that he's stuck in, does the fake loogie get stuck to the side of the fake box and run down all gooey like?

Thursday, August 25, 2005 at 1:56:00 PM PDT

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Yes, and yes. It's not a pretty sight.

Thursday, August 25, 2005 at 1:57:00 PM PDT

 
Blogger Thomas said...

I still can't get past the 6am in the morning thing.

Thursday, August 25, 2005 at 10:50:00 PM PDT

 
Blogger Jim V said...

Up at 5am this morning my brother from another mother!

Ahhhhhh..... the fresh morning air... And I already billed a half hour at the office today.


I love the smell of billable hours in the morning...

Friday, August 26, 2005 at 4:41:00 AM PDT

 
Blogger Thomas said...

Is "loving the smell of billable hours in the morning" because no one can confirm that you actually did them, Jim?

Friday, August 26, 2005 at 9:07:00 AM PDT

 
Blogger Thomas said...

I would rather remember Jesus like I remember James Dean instead of how I remember Marlon Brando.

Friday, August 26, 2005 at 9:08:00 AM PDT

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Wow, Thomas. You ARE old.
You REMEMBER Jesus? What, was he in the same homeroom as you or something?

Friday, August 26, 2005 at 10:25:00 AM PDT

 
Blogger Thomas said...

He was actually kind of stuck up back then. Always talking about how great his hair is.

Friday, August 26, 2005 at 10:48:00 AM PDT

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Never ran out of booze or food at his parties, though.

Friday, August 26, 2005 at 11:17:00 AM PDT

 
Blogger Thomas said...

Though you have to admit that he always bragged about the coming back to life bit.

Friday, August 26, 2005 at 1:47:00 PM PDT

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

AND, he was SOOOOO totally a virgin. He made that Mary Magdelene thing up, you know. I had a friend who was in her advanced chemistry class, and she was totally pissed about it. Had her older brother beat the shit out of him, too. But, since he was the messiah & all, he healed up pretty quick.

Friday, August 26, 2005 at 2:07:00 PM PDT

 
Blogger amycita said...

I have discerned (from my copious experience living in a city and now moving to a small midwestern town) that cities drive people to spit. I'm serious. I don't know if it is just the fact that there are people everywhere and you want some fucking space so you spit to cause them to move away from you or what. But I used to spit ALL THE TIME when running on trails in Boston with butt-loads of people and now I would feel totally embarrassed if I spit anywhere near the people I occassionally run by. (occassionally is probably spelled wrong but those damn double letters fuck me up. Also, I am drunk).

Saturday, August 27, 2005 at 6:05:00 PM PDT

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

"my son's a homosexual and I love him! I love my dead gay son!!!"

Sorry, I just thought we could use a good "Heathers" quote about now. Also, I too am drunk.

Saturday, August 27, 2005 at 9:06:00 PM PDT

 
Blogger Jim V said...

I passed 16 loogie-loads on the sidewalk from Union Station to school (about ten blocks, downtown Chicago) on Friday.

When will the madness end...


I am not drunk. Well, except for being drunk with excitement for another day of law school.

Monday, August 29, 2005 at 5:02:00 AM PDT

 
Blogger eM said...

I'm wondering about Amycita's theory and if it is indeed that city folk spit more or if there are simply more of them and therefore (does anyone know how to make that 3 dot thing that means therefore in algebra? hmm...) there is more spit around. As someone who learned to spit in a small town who now knows few people in a city who ever learned to spit, i indeed wonder...perhaps a cabernet will do that to ya :)

altho yes, when it comes to running, it's easier to do around others in a city--because you don't know anyone! it's great that way. and everyone else spits, so who cares?

*hugs* to Amycita in her small spit-free town :)

Monday, August 29, 2005 at 7:55:00 PM PDT

 

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