Mt. St. Helens, as seen from Chez Jege

ALL HAIL....THE PUTZMEISTER

Order direct from God.com

I hate air travel.

I do it every other week for work, even though I am petrified of it. The only way it could be any worse is if I had to sit next to a bunch of cockroaches and spiders while giving a speech and getting my blood drawn. Thank god (see?) my frequent flyer status almost always bumps me up to first class; at least when we crash, I will have a free drink in my hand.

Every time I get on a plane, I have to come to some sort of inner peace, some sort of cosmic resolve; I know the plane is gonna crash & I'm going to die a fiery death preceded by a terror-filled few minutes of plummeting towards the earth at terminal velocity inside an aluminum tube filled with shrieking, bowel-evacuating fellow human beings. I make peace with my mortality, and mentally utter a little prayer...which makes me even more tense, because if there is a God up there, He/She/It knows that I only use Him/Her/It as a Mail-Order Fear Catalog (when not wholeheartedly challenging His/Her/Its existence in the first place):

"Please God, let me pass this exam"

"Please God, make him like me!"

"Please God, let me not be pregnant"

"God, if you get rid of this hangover for me, I will never EVER drink again"

"Please God, strike dead the entire cast of 'Full House' this very minute, and fling all celluloid and digital evidence of it into Hell's eternal fires"

and so on.

Wish me luck; I get on a plane at 12:30 today.

Over 300 sickened after eating at Olive Garden

Story here...

Really....This is news?

Shouldn't it be something along the lines of "ONLY 300 Sickened After Eating at Olive Garden"

Who isn't at least somewhat sickened after eating at Olive Garden?

Portland, don't be such a pussy.

News Flash! Portland paralyzed by "Killer Blizzard"!! *snickering*
Fellow midwesterners, you may commence with hails of derisive laughter.....now.

























UPDATE: Apparently, not only can Portlanders not DRIVE in snow, they also suck at sledding in it:

"Officials said there were 35 sledding related injuries at local hospitals as of Tuesday night.
Officials reminded sledders to wear a helmet and make sure to sled on off-road areas and keep an eye out for ATVs or other vehicles."

Oooh! OOH!! And here's more; "Snowball Fight End in Stabbing":

"Witnesses told officers that the victim and a group of friends were throwing snowballs at each other when one of the snowballs struck a moving vehicle driven by the suspect.The suspect got out of his vehicle and started a fight with the group, which escalated to a stabbing."

UPDATED 1/17/07:

Here is a great video of some stellar Portland winter driving, shot by a fellow portlander from his condo balcony yesterday:

Hypothermic in Portland

In honor of Martin Luther King Day, it appears that the building manager has turned off the heat. Our entire office is coat and scarf-clad, and there are so many space heaters running (this is an 8-story building) that we are blowing breakers like a motherfucker.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Never Trust Whitey.

Harry Potter book 8 title ideas

Harry Potter and the Dutch Oven

now you go!


UPDATE.....now with graphics!

Zelda's New Year wishes...

UPDATE: As a follow-up to this pic, I'd like to post something that my father wrote:

For much of our lives, the kitty is a good model to follow. There are times when we need to think and use our language skills, but we could probably get by doing much less of these activities.
We as a species are prone to worry and guilt and doubt and prejudice and closed, circular thinking that tends to make us feel worse, tends to increase rather than lessen our troubles and ills. The kitty avoids these mental traps.
Clearing our minds is difficult, seemingly impossible, yet some people whom we all hate manage to do this. They meditate or pray or whatever, keeping their mind open and clear, not adding to their trouble and suffering but even lessening it.

What is YOUR New Year's resolution?

Mine is to verbally berate lying, smarmy fuckheads before they even get the words "well actually...." off of their forked tongues.