See You In Hell!

Friday, September 16, 2005

Our foul-mouthed roots:

After reading a hysterical post about the many reasons not to have children at, I got to thinking about my own childhood, namely, my tireless potty well as those of my friends, family, & husband. How did we all get to be the accomplished swearers we are today? Well, lets delve into that, shall we? A little psychotherapy for those whose words can embarrass even the crassest of longshoremen....

First up: My husband's family.
When my husband was about 9 or 10, his dad was driving him to swim practice, while also giving him a stern talking-to for swearing the night before. Suddenly, a church bus (yes, I said CHURCH bus) full of people swerved out of nowhere and cut them off. After slamming on the brakes and narrowly avoiding a major crash, my father-in-law floored the gas pedal, whipped up into the other lane right next to the bus, and flipped them the "arm-fully-extended-out-of-the-car-window" bird. If ever there was a case of "don't do as I do, do as I SAY", this was it. And on a personal note, DAMN, is my father-in-law cool.

Not to shortchange my mother-in-law, she has a great story as well.
One time, while driving my then grade school-aged husband and his older brother somewhere, she got exceptionally pissed off at the moronic driver in front of her, and crafted one of the most wonderful malapropisms I've ever heard: "Hey buddy, quit mickey-fucking around up there". My husband STILL uses this phrase to this day. (NOTE: for those of you just joining us from your Special Ed class, she accidentally combined the sayings "quit mickey-mousing around" and "quit fucking around").

Okay, my turn.
When I was a wee lass, my mother was driving in rush-hour traffic with me sitting in the back in my carseat. Some guy cut her off, and she muttered something like "nice one, dumbshit". A short while later, I helpfully pointed out "Look mama, there's another dumbshit". Thus began my career of swearing (another milestone along the way surely had to be the time when I came home from my first day of kindergarten, and told my dad that my teacher was a fuckface. I don't think I've ever seen him so surprised. Come to think of it, not long after that we entered private school.....hmmmmmm).

I will save the story about my friend Lisa's son, Miles, for either Lisa or Dawn, whoever comments first.

Ready, set, go.


Blogger dawn said...

Ah yes, the "fucking nasty" story... To Lisa's credit, dog shit is fucking nasty, unfortunately her 4 yr old was next to her when she kept uttering that lovely phrase while cleaning it up off her shoe. And being 4, he had to repeat it back to her to make sure he heard it correctly and was pronouncing it like a pro. Even I could tell, over the phone, that he was nailing every time it came out of his mouth, bless his heart.

Friday, September 16, 2005 at 1:29:00 PM PDT

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Now that's just fucking nasty.

Friday, September 16, 2005 at 1:33:00 PM PDT

Blogger Jim V said...

A brother of a friend of mine was at the Bozo Show decades ago. If you're not from Chicago, it was a local channel show with Bozo the Clown that was broadcast live. Remember the "live" thing, it's important.

One of the games was The Grand Prize Game in which a contestant stands behind a line and throws balls into buckets. One prize for the first bucket, a better prizes the farther away the buckets are. Don't cross the line, obviously.

Or not so obviously to my friend's brother. He kept crossing the line and walking right up to the next farther bucket and dropping the ball in. Bozo would joyfully remind him not to cross over the line. He kept crossing the line. When Bozo happily noted that this could result in elimination, my friend's brother retorted on live children's television, "Fuck off clown!"

That friend of mine is an occasional commenter on this site, so he can correct any details that I may have mixed up over the 20 years or so I've been telling that story.

Monday, September 19, 2005 at 8:19:00 AM PDT

Blogger eM said...

That is beautiful in so many ways. It is quite possibly the perfect response to any clown.

Monday, September 19, 2005 at 9:58:00 AM PDT

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Clowns are fucking nasty.

Monday, September 19, 2005 at 10:09:00 AM PDT

Blogger dawn said...

Oh my god - I watched Bozo the Clown for YEARS and was never lucky enough to catch a moment as priceless as that....

Monday, September 19, 2005 at 5:42:00 PM PDT

Blogger The_Bad said...

You got in mostly right, Jim. The main point being the statement "fuck off, clown" is accurate. I have it on video tape somewhere. Yes, it was broadcast live. Yes, I'm sure it helped the execs consider the benefits of taping a studio audience.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 at 4:24:00 PM PDT

Blogger eM said...

Could you convert that footage into something that could be posted online? hmmm? I'd love to see it.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 at 7:53:00 AM PDT

Blogger The_Bad said...

Yikes, not sure if I could even find it. It's about a 20 year old VHS tape and I've moved 14 times since I last saw it. It's probably sitting next to my copy of the party where the guy passed out, broke his face open while falling down and was wheeled out in a Weber grill. That was an interesting night...

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 at 8:02:00 AM PDT

Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

Clowns have been identified on Floyd's In General, People Who Suck list. You know you want to touch me.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 at 2:45:00 PM PDT

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

I just remembered another one!

When I was in grade school, I heard someone use the word "dildo" (as in "Mrs. Jones has a lawn-flavored dildo") and from the context, I assumed that "dildo" was merely a nonsensical expression, like "widget", or "trickle-down economics".
So I went home and exclaimed during dinner, "that's about as useful as a lawn-flavored dildo".

I don't remember what my parents'response was. How do you explain "dildo" to a child?

Friday, September 23, 2005 at 11:36:00 AM PDT

Blogger dawn said...

Geez, I had a hard enough time convincing my son that women don't pee out of their butts (they don't have penises, ergo they must pee out of their butt) - dildo would be next to impossible...

Friday, September 23, 2005 at 2:22:00 PM PDT

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

After visiting witfits' blog, I was reminded of yet another story, this one about my 2 nephews, who at the time of the story must have been around 5 and 10:

The 5-year-old nephew had just received one of those Leap Frog things, one of those books that "talk" when you run the attached stylus over its words.

Anyway, my 10-year-old nephew discovered that if you quickly move the stylus back and forth over this one part of the page, it said "bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch".

Friday, September 23, 2005 at 3:17:00 PM PDT

Blogger Thomas said...

Obviously this took years of practice.

Saturday, September 24, 2005 at 6:02:00 AM PDT

Blogger Lisa said...

Just for the record, the dog shit was on my BARE FOOT and was squished up between all 5 toes.

Sunday, September 25, 2005 at 2:40:00 PM PDT

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

DAMN, Lisa!! That really IS fucking nasty!!!!!!

Monday, September 26, 2005 at 8:10:00 AM PDT

Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

Floyd forgives Lisa for teaching her four-year-old how to use the F-bomb. It will serve him well.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 at 7:32:00 AM PDT

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

I have to agree with Floyd on this one. A good command of profanity is an asset in later life. Miles should be able to hold his own in middle school quite nicely.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 at 9:14:00 AM PDT

Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

Floyd suggests the next phrase you should teach him should be "Fuckity Fuck McFuckerson".

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 at 8:39:00 AM PDT

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Well, his 5th birthday is coming up in November....I'll be sure and write it in his birthday card.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 at 8:48:00 AM PDT

Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

Floyd suggests that you put a pronunciation key along with it for ease of learning. A photo of the card and a .wav of little Snotley's first attempts at saying it would please Floyd immensely.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 at 1:19:00 PM PDT

Blogger Lisa said...

I had a boss once tell me that I swear like a drunken sailor. I must have begun beaming with pride, because she then proceeds to tell me that this in not a compliment.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 at 9:04:00 PM PDT

Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

Floyd believes he is finally meeting all the right women here on this site.

Thursday, September 29, 2005 at 7:03:00 AM PDT

Blogger The_Bad said...

BAH! Floyd is a grumpy old fuck that couldn't get laid in a mattress factory.

Monday, October 3, 2005 at 3:44:00 PM PDT


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