See You In Hell!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The stupidest thing ever invented

You know those kids' shoes that have red lights in the heel, and whenever little Snotley takes a step, they light up? Well now imagine that, instead of lights, there's a squeaky toy in the heel of each shoe. Yes, that's correct, every time your child takes a step, you hear what sounds like 5 epileptics stomping repeatedly on your dog's favorite squeaky toy. Now envision this, amplified by the highly-reverberant surfaces of the San Jose airport concourse, and you can start to appreciate the murderous rage that several hundred travelers felt towards a certain 3-year-old and his stupid-ass mother yesterday afternoon. Perfect strangers were instantly united against this auditory assault, rallying together in a rare show of solidarity against this cavalcade of pure, unadulterated squeaking evil.

I mean, REALLY. What fucking genius came up with this idea?!!!! Shoes that squeak INTENTIONALLY?!!! And what's next on his list? The Long-Range, Powder-Actuated Tampon Applicator (with optional laser scope)? Perhaps the Erratically-Vibrating Mascara Wand? Or maybe the Intermittent Diaphragm? Come on dude, don't deprive the American consumers one more second of The Water-Soluble Pantsuit !!!


Blogger dawn said...

I fucking hate those shoes. I hated the light up ones and will make my child go shoeless before I buy them and there really should be a special place in hell for whomever invented shoes for kids that squeak. Just get a goddamned cowbell and call it a day.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 10:21:00 AM PST

Blogger Crystal said...


Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 11:09:00 AM PST

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Floyd is the author of "Snotley". I stole it from him. Doesnt it kick ass?

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 11:49:00 AM PST

Blogger eM said...

nice inventions. or, tas i used to say when i was younger, sansapants!!! pantsuits w/out pants! yay!

i got confused w/ sansabelts and didn't really understand what sans meant...

and Jege, you're too late on that mascara invention. i already own it. yet another reason i have all but given up on makeup (ok. i have..except on the rare occasion when i try to look purdy). then i poke my rarely-contact-wearing eye straight on w/ that vibrating wand and proceed to tear up until it's all gone.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 11:51:00 AM PST

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I heart the word "Snotley." That is AWESOME.

I'd rather they made shoes that made them go far, far away with their germy, spittley, crackery-faced selves. UGH.

I was at a baby shower early this year (!) and I brought my water bottle, this thingie with a straw. So this baby thing toddles over and grabs it with her animal cracker and spit covered hands and shoves the straw in her disgusting mouth. And everyone laughed at the "cute baby."

Fuckers. I left it there.

How did this turn into an I Hate Kids comment, again? Oh, the shoes. Make them go away.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 1:20:00 PM PST

Blogger Thomas said...

Well at least you invented something. Some of us are so stupid that we haven't invented nothin'.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 1:51:00 PM PST

Blogger eM said...

I just love 'this baby thing toddles over.' tee hee hee!

Even tho i'm going to have a baby thing (if all goes well and am actually looking forward to it), i firmly believe that if you don't have kids and don't want to go, you should not be expected to go to a baby shower. Nor should unmarried people who don't want to ever be expected to go to a wedding shower or even care about the details. not that they can't be interested, but they shouldn't be expected to be.

b4 getting hitched, i really had no clue about any of the things people did or why. hell, most of it still makes no sense, but at least i have an idea why the fuck someone would be really interested in a dress they're going to wear for one day--pictures.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 1:56:00 PM PST

Blogger kari said...

i heart you, jege!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 5:23:00 PM PST

Anonymous Nick said...

I think those shoes are a great invention! I'm always looking for gifts to give to friends' and relatives' young children. Drums and horns aren't doing it anymore. But super-frickin'-irritating squeaky shoes? Where have they been all my life?!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 7:26:00 PM PST

Blogger Crystal said...

i think you should combine the first two inventions. you'd make loads of money.

Thursday, December 1, 2005 at 10:24:00 AM PST

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

And everyone would have ultra long er...LASHES around their no-no place......

Thursday, December 1, 2005 at 10:34:00 AM PST

Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

"Snotley" is short for the full name "Brutus P. Snotley". Normally, Floyd would hunt down and beat the ever loving fuck out of anyone cribbing Floyd's sayings. However, Jege has special permission. If anyone doesn't like that, then Floyd cordially invites them to snort toejam.

Friday, December 2, 2005 at 12:51:00 PM PST

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Thanks, Floyd!

How the fuck's it going with ye?

Friday, December 2, 2005 at 1:43:00 PM PST

Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

All is as well as can fucking be for a grinch like Floyd.

Friday, December 2, 2005 at 9:03:00 PM PST


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