See You In Hell!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Trick or treat

Yesterday morning I had outpatient surgery for my Lower Back Owie (sorry for the technical jargon), so by the time the trick-or-treaters showed up, I still had IV sedation and painkillers coursing through my veins, as I lay on the couch watching my beloved "Shaun of the Dead" on DVD.

The doorbell rang, and Devin grabbed the candy bowl, and went to attend to our first trick-or-treaters. Here is what I heard from my position over on the couch:

"TRICK OR TREAT!!!"

"Okay, here you go.."

*SMASH!! CLANG!!! Hails of derisive laughter, sounds of footsteps running away*

"Rude little FUCKERS!!!!!"

Yes, a trio of 8-year-olds had grabbed large handfuls of candy from the bowl while my husband was placing one-treat-per-kid into their plastic jack-o-lantern treat receptacles.

Fuming, he turned to me and growled " Here, YOU do this. I'm going out on the back deck to smoke".

So I took over. Most of my customers were the typical fare, 3 or 4 kids with their mom waiting down on the sidewalk. Then HE came. A dude my height in a Brokeback Mountain-ish leather & shearling coat, wearing a rubber monster mask and carrying a large red pillowcase in which to carry his sucrose-& dextrose-intensive loot.

"Trick or treat" he said in a low, resonant bass that was even lower and more resonant than my husband's voice (and let me tell you, my husband's voice is so low that half the population cannot even hear it, just detect a low rumbling in their innards).
I handed over ONE piece of candy, and he left. About half an hour later, the doorbell rang again, and TA-DA!!! There he was again, but THIS time sans mask. What a clever, clever ruse, eh?

"Trick or treat" he said again, in the identical, tummy-rumbling robotic monotone. I glared at him for one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, then tossed a roll of smarties in his red pillowcase.

He looked into his bag, and then back at me and mumbled plaintively: "I have three kids at home".

I stared back, imagining his "three kids at home" dismembered, and carefully sealed in 57 separate mason jars in the basement deep-freeze. Then I tossed 2 more smarties in his bag, and shut the door.

12 Comments:

Blogger Kato said...

People suck.

I'm sorry about your back, I hope your recovery is going well!

Wednesday, November 1, 2006 at 10:03:00 AM PST

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Thanks, Kato.

Wednesday, November 1, 2006 at 10:06:00 AM PST

 
Anonymous Nick said...

Another benefit of condo living: no trick or treaters!

Shaun of the Dead was the first movie Amy and I saw together. How could you not fall in love to that? We get married in ten days!

Hope your back gets better!

Wednesday, November 1, 2006 at 10:14:00 AM PST

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Thanks, Nick! And congrats in advance on your wedding!! You and Amy are THE perfect couple!! :)

Wednesday, November 1, 2006 at 10:20:00 AM PST

 
Blogger Lisa said...

Are you scared that he knows where you live?

Wednesday, November 1, 2006 at 4:57:00 PM PST

 
Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

Floyd's doctor told him that he needed a backeotomy. Floyd punched him in the ghoulies.

Dismember away. Floyd told every last booger-eater that rang his bell that they were cordially invited to sniff Floyd's gooch.

Wednesday, November 1, 2006 at 5:42:00 PM PST

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Dearest Floyd!!! Glad to have you back!!!

Wednesday, November 1, 2006 at 6:44:00 PM PST

 
Blogger kari said...

we had a lot of trick or treaters and many of them felt they were old enough to carry purses along with their goodie basket. my thought: old enough to carry a purse? too old for my candy kids.

Thursday, November 2, 2006 at 4:45:00 AM PST

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since when does the parent leave the kiddies at home on Halloween, and go t-or-t'n without 'em?

Anyway, if you hadn't opted for the peaceful extra-smartie solution, the only other logical choice would have been to go immediately for a crippling strike.

Wouldn't want to risk the possible repercussions of pissing off a psycho like that with just a verbal assault.

Thursday, November 2, 2006 at 4:50:00 AM PST

 
Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

Back? Floyd wasn't aware he went anywhere. Did Floyd have a good time? He doesn't remember...

Thursday, November 2, 2006 at 8:14:00 AM PST

 
Blogger goldennib said...

Wow, that's a little scary. Hope your back feels better.

Thursday, November 2, 2006 at 4:28:00 PM PST

 
Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

Jege, you scared the shit out of me. I saw the title, "Trick or treat" and vaguely sensed it was about giving out candy. And then I saw "painkillers." AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT YOU GAVE OUT PAINKILLERS. *sigh of relief*

I'm not sighing w/ relief because "think of the children!", I'm sighing with relief because IF I FUCKING MISSED FREE PAINKILLER GIVEAWAYS I WOULD BE PISSED.

*cough*

Except, you know. That'd be illegal and stuff. Because you need a prescription. A valid one. Signed by a doctor. *looking away, whistling*

I hope you feel better soon!! Did Dr. Wong treat you?

Friday, November 3, 2006 at 3:12:00 PM PST

 

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