See You In Hell!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Splashy McSplasherton

During today's lunchtime swim, there was a woman swimming 2 lanes away who managed to send tsunami waves of splashes cascading over my head with every kick. TWO lanes away. At first, I simply considered her an annoying Splashy McSplasherton. But after half an hour of this shit, I realized that she was no Splashy McSplasherton. No siree bob. She was Martina, The Robo-Dyke Swim Nazi from Outer Bulgaria.
In the locker room, she strutted around naked, tearing holes in the walls with her ridiculously wide, manly shoulders, AND belching and farting. Yes, you heard me. She actually farted when she walked past me. When I left, she had just made her way into the shower and was hocking up loogies.

Charmed, I'm sure.


Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

Floyd hates Bulgarian Robo-Dyke Swim Nazis. Did you consider firearms?

Wednesday, January 25, 2006 at 4:53:00 PM PST

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

There goes my muffin. It wasn't as good coming up as it was going down. *shudder*

Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 4:14:00 AM PST

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Tell me about it.
I would be barfing up my bagel right now, IF Portland had a motherfucking bagel shop within a 5 mile radius of the bustling, supposedly cosmopolitan city core! WTF?!!! There are enough pastries, muffins and scones to pave the entire metro area TWICE, but just TRY and find a bagel and some salmon cream cheese in the good old Rose City (I've had bagels with salmon cream cheese stuck in my brain's Craving Lobe for the past week. It started with the first inklings of PMS, and now it is a full-blown fucking OBSESSION).

Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 8:50:00 AM PST

Blogger eM said...

Who woulda thunk that Mpls would kick Portland's ass on the bagel front. There's a Brueggers on the first floor of my building, and an Einstein's a few blocks away.

Not that I can do salmon on a bagel or anything. GRRRR!!!! Jege, your neice/nephew already demands such careful eating habits. I really hope it doesn't have your loathing of cilantro and ginger.

Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 9:06:00 AM PST

Blogger Crystal said...

did you look for a penis?

Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 10:16:00 AM PST

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

I was too skeered.

Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 10:45:00 AM PST

Anonymous Nick said...

You're ruining every man's fantasy that the women's locker room is constant sexy, naked, tickle fight. Next you're going to tell us there's no Santa Claus!

Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 1:58:00 PM PST

Blogger Paisley said...

Holy Crap! That's everyone's nightmare - a naked Robo-Dyke Swim Nazi hawking up loogies and farting in your personal air space.

wowza. I think I would have gagged right there 'cause I sure had a hard time containing myself and I'm mmmiiiillleeesss away.

Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 2:09:00 PM PST

Blogger amycita said...

Hmmm, I think that not having a bagel shop constitutes Anti-semitism. Maybe there are more Nazi's in Portland than just the Evil Swim Nazi...

Also, I am at work! I love to blog at work!

Friday, January 27, 2006 at 7:12:00 AM PST

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Be careful, amycita...blogging at work can be treacherous..... (said in the frau blucher voice from young frankenstein)

P.S. Do NOT put the candle back....

Friday, January 27, 2006 at 11:40:00 AM PST

Blogger don't call me MA'AM said...

I'm not sure what it is about women who strut around naked that makes me so very uncomfortable. Maybe I'm too self-conscious to do it myself... that makes me leery of those who are not? Especially if they're nasty, farting, loogy-hocking nazis.

Saturday, January 28, 2006 at 8:28:00 PM PST


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