See You In Hell!

Friday, January 20, 2006

On genetic anxiety...

I have inherited my dad's anxiety issues, and incredible ability to foresee, in any situation, what might possibly go wrong & cause injury and/or embarrassment:

"Carrying that big box up the stairs all by yourself? Well watch out, because you may step on a cat and fall backwards down the stairs and break your tailbone. Or you may gouge the back of your hand on the nail that is sticking out of the wall half-way up."

"Never leave your can of soda uncovered outside. A bee will fly inside and then you'll drink it, and it will sting you in the throat, and you'll suffocate"


"When you're a guest at someone's house, never use their shampoo, because it might actually be Nair or something, and then your hair will all fall out, and then they'll KNOW you were using their shampoo."

Okay, that last one's mine, but you get the picture.

Growing up, my dad would never let any of us kids mow the lawn without first spending half an hour picking rocks (no matter how small) out of the grass, because "The mower will kick that rock right back into your eyeball". Then we had to wear protective goggles, long pants, and steel-toed boots, lest the mower fire an errant stick into our spleen, or suddenly go insane and cut our toes off, like in that movie with Gene Simmons, where all of the machines come alive and kill people.

And don't even get me started on food-borne illnesses. When I was five I knew the words "salmonella", "trichinosis", "botulism", "giardia" and "e coli". My parents had me so terrified, that to this day I cannot eat a burger that isn't so well done that it's BURNT. And even that is bad!!! Burnt meat contains NITRITES!!!! EEEEEKKK!!!!

And. AND!!! ELECTRICITY!!!! NEVER EVER leave ANYTHING plugged in, because the devil lives in the circuitry, and wants to burn the house down.

And who can forget the whole "Engines are magic" lecture.

Oh, dad.

12 Comments:

Blogger eM said...

True; but I credit you and dad to my ability to always win the worst case scenario boardgame (provided it's not a game with the two of you, then god forbid, what's the point of playing?).

And Dad was the one who broke a rib while trying to put in a new shower rod (were you there? Dad walking down stairs grumbling about cutting the rod the wrong length AGAIN and then *bump* *bump* *thud* goddamnitfarghin smarginfuckinghellaggghhhhhhhhhhh and then upstairs in the kitchen we laughed hysterically until mom went to check on him and then the whole visit to the doctor was slightly less humorous to all).

I can't leave a lamp on if i leave the room because: A cat will knock it over. Mr. Pabs has NEVER come close to knocking over a lamp in his life nor does he even go near them. Those free standing floor lamps were also only created to burn the house down--even if the bulbs aren't hallogen.

hmmm...I guess I didn't escape this completely, did i? :)

Oh, and another one: Never use shampoo at the rent's house as it may be your sister's and she WILL hunt you down and kill you because, "it's from Aveda and expensive!" Which is true :)

Friday, January 20, 2006 at 1:49:00 PM PST

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

ALL good points, Em.

A corollary to the cat/light bulb issue: never leave a burning candle unattended, or the cat will light itself on fire, and run through the house, spreading the fire to each and every room in an extremely efficient manner.

Friday, January 20, 2006 at 2:05:00 PM PST

 
Anonymous whoorl said...

Wait.

Do we have the same father? ;)

Friday, January 20, 2006 at 4:05:00 PM PST

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Whoorl, I just read your "pinto bean" post, and loved the part about the subdural hematoma.

I read the Physician's Desk Reference and the DSM-IV as a first-grader, and was constantly bugging my parents with questions about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (among other things), because there was this kid in my class who really made the school day unpleasant, so logically my desire NOT to go to school MUST be PTSD.

Friday, January 20, 2006 at 4:11:00 PM PST

 
Blogger amycita said...

Oh yeah? Well I am pretty sure that I actually GOT an ulcer (not just an imagined one--though I'd have to check with mom--but then again, maybe her recall is over-melodramatized too...)when I was a wee lass of 4 because I was terrorized by Charles Paige. Oh and mom also told me that I dreamed that I was being eaten by wolves. Anxiety? Nah, not me!
PS: I STILL won't mow the lawn!

Friday, January 20, 2006 at 4:32:00 PM PST

 
Anonymous whoorl said...

jege,

it gives me great comfort to know other freakish hypochrondriacs exist. ;)

we should start a club. you, me and stacy are the board of directors.

Saturday, January 21, 2006 at 8:37:00 AM PST

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Count me in. Unless of course I have a migratory case of Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease that day.

Saturday, January 21, 2006 at 9:58:00 AM PST

 
Blogger The_Bad said...

Oh, that is all just awful! Look, take it from someone who has been run over by a car - three times: life is much too short to worry.

Take it from someone who almost died from Salmonella: no matter how careful you are, shit happens.

Take it from someone who is almost never sick: the more alcohol you drink, the more indestructible you become.

The lesson: get drunk and fuck it.

Sunday, January 22, 2006 at 11:52:00 AM PST

 
Blogger Crystal said...

when i was little, i was terrified of contracting worms from my dog. one time, while staying at my grandmother's house, i decided - after going to the bathroom - that i had worms. i laid on the couch all night, worried sick, thinking about the worms devouring my intestines and sucking the nutrients out until i was frail and helpless and then my parents would say "it's the dog. i knew we shouldn't have gotten her the dog" and they would rip my only friend out of my arms and shoot him in the backyard. it wasn't until my mom came to pick me up that she let me know that i need to chew my spaghetti a little more before i swallow.

Monday, January 23, 2006 at 8:26:00 AM PST

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Crystal, was it wrong for me to laugh hysterically at that? Because I did. :)

Monday, January 23, 2006 at 8:31:00 AM PST

 
Blogger don't call me MA'AM said...

I'm always being told that I'm a worry-wart (where the hell did that phrase come from? Does worrying give you warts? Oh, hell.. now I'm going to be covered in warts!).
Someone told me once that, when it's cold outside, don't wash your hands in hot water to warm them up, because you'll get arthritis. Do you know how long I believed that?!?! So long, that I'm too embarrassed to even tell you.

And it only gets worse. My oldest daughter drives now. Every horrible scenario runs through my head as she leaves the driveway. Gah. I remind her to keep her doors locked at all times... because someone could open her door when she's stopped. Drive only on well-lit streets. You are a young (cute) girl and a prime target. She rolls her eyes at me and "yes, mom"'s me until I leave her alone. Gah. (eek... long comment again. Sorry!)

Monday, January 23, 2006 at 11:29:00 AM PST

 
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Not to worry (heh heh) we love long comments here at leingirlz3! :)

Monday, January 23, 2006 at 11:51:00 AM PST

 

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