Things in store for Jack Bauer on the next season of ‘24’:

Jack will sleep in until noon. He will not receive any frantic phone calls from CTU, the President, or his recently-kidnapped girlfriend. He will, however, get 2 phone calls from Qwest asking him if he’d like to add caller ID to his home line. Given his past history, this seems like a wise move.

Jack suddenly realizes that during his non-stop crusade to save the United States, no, THE WORLD, from constant peril, he has neglected to do any of his laundry from the past 4 seasons. In fact, he wore the same pair of underwear in seasons 3 and 4. But this is of little consequence, seeing that he hasn’t had time to take a leak or evacuate his bowels since before Nina Myers entered the picture. He turns his current pair of jockeys inside-out, and begins to sort his lights and darks. Dammit! How the HELL did he get pizza sauce on that T-shirt? He hasn’t eaten any food or ingested any water for 96 straight episodes!!!!!

Well shit, there’s no laundry detergent. And why would there be? Off to the store.

Some asshole in a HUMVEE with a license plate that says “ROK HARD” just cut Jack off at the entrance to the Regal Beaver Grocery Store. Jack fleetingly entertains the notion of calling CTU and telling them that ROK HARD has weapons-grade plutonium in the back seat.

Jack has to walk past the personal hygiene aisle on his way to the laundry detergent. He remembers that he is fresh out of deodorant, and decides to pick some up…..But Terri used to do all of the shopping, so now Jack has to try and figure out if he wants Mennen Speedstick or Arrid Extra Dry. Invisible Solid or Roll-on? Mountain Fresh Scent or Manly Heterosexual Diesel Engine Musk? And what the fuck is this Tom’s of Maine shit? He decides to call Tony Almeida on his cell phone and ask him which brand he uses, but Tony hasn't used deodorant for years. That's the real reason his wife left him.

Jack is perplexed. Think, dammit, think!!! Which brand? WHICH BRAND?!!
Flashback to season 4 when Air Force One crashed. Jack is combing through the wreckage, calling for the president, when he finds a Speedstick. He casually picks it up, rubs it under his arms, hands it to the SWAT guy behind him, and continues. The SWAT guy momentarily scrutinizes the deodorant, then throws it to the ground in disgust, snarling "only fags use Powder Fresh Scent". Jack shoots him in the head and blames it on Marwan. Jack was suspended without pay indefinitely for that stunt. If terrorists hadn’t threatened to take over all of the satellites and air episodes of “Moesha” and “Full House” on every TV in the world, well Jack may have never been reinstated.

To be continued……