See You In Hell!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Hell on Earth

Just got back from Portland's brand-new fucking IKEA, of all places, and am sitting on a brand-new fucking cool desk chair, that will probably buckle under the weight of my enormous ass any time now.

YOU been to IKEA PDX yet? It's Hell on Earth (who knew hell on earth would be convenient to the airport and mass transit? I sure didn't). It's a good thing they don't also make a line of mass-produced, priced-to-own, sleekly-designed Swedish assault rifles, because I would have shot my way out of the kitchen showroom without a second thought.

It only took us a little over an hour from arrival & departure, but it felt like I lost an entire year (sort of like a big, scandinavian torture device not unlike the "the machine" the evil Count Rugen uses on Wesley in The Princess Bride). Today must have been Slow, Aimless Walker day at IKEA, for the legions of plodding, zombie-esque, catalog-in-hand shoppers were, well, legion. At one point, while standing in a checkout line only slightly longer than say, Mecca on a busy day, I pushed our purchases out of the way, and sat down on the wheeled cart. Devin pushed me all the way to the register, and I LOVE him for it.


Blogger Kato said...

Three words: "Ikea Nesting Instinct"

Monday, August 20, 2007 at 8:48:00 AM PDT

Blogger kari said...

BUT they do have a super-cheap and yummy breakfast.

AND lots of tupperware-type stuff for only a few bucks, which is good when you are like me and you eat food in the car and then the container is buried under candy wrappers and 20-ounce coke bottles and empty cigarette packets (from dustin, NOT me) until you unearth it to find it has turned six different shades of mold and your only option is to burn it while wearing a haz-mat suit.

in short, i go through a lot of tupperware.

but yes, hell on earth b/c if there were a hideous, raging inferno, you'd have to find your way out through the equivalent of sixteen college-student apartments before reaching safety.

Monday, August 20, 2007 at 11:03:00 AM PDT

Blogger Lisa said...

you big wimp! I went on a Saturday, alone, with 2 kids and had to park in the goddamn dirt lot!

Ended up buying new flatware that my darling husband claims we don't need and my son is now asking if he can use one of the "real" forks (ie. the old ones) b/c the new one is weird.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007 at 9:39:00 PM PDT

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

And the bamboo!! Don't forget the bamboo!!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007 at 6:02:00 AM PDT

Blogger Blandwagon said...

Few things in this life are more frustrating than trying to quickly dart into IKEA to get one particular thing that you want. The little secret shortcut doors help, but it still only takes about three seconds before you're stuck behind a slack-jawed couple slowly weighing the pros and cons of a $3 salad bowl, while their kid's SUV-sized stoller blocks the aisle.

Also, why is it important to have the IKEA near an airport? Are they really expecting a lot of fly in traffic? Are there really people in Nevada and Idaho right now who are calling out, "Honey, we need a new spaghetti server! I'll just fly over to Portland and get one!"

Thursday, August 23, 2007 at 11:28:00 PM PDT

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Blandwagon, you never fail to make me laugh myself silly.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007 at 6:04:00 AM PDT

Anonymous Crabmommy said...

Ah but Jege, you are sooo lucky to be near an Ikea. Blandwagon, there aren't perhaps people flying from Idaho to get to an Ikea but many of us in the ID/WY vicinity do drive the 4-to-bloody-5 hour drive to get to the new Ikea in Salt Lake City.

And when we get there, we attack the Swedish meatballs and pour lingonberry sauce all over ourselves in sheer delight at being at an actual Ikea. Then we shop, and then we drive back to our rural lives armed, at least, with decent flatware (which sometimes cowboys will poach from our lawns...Jege I think you know what I'm talking about. The Ikea BBQ Fork Incident?)

Ahhh. I dream of Ikea. Coming to an airport near me. If only.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007 at 8:30:00 PM PDT

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Good point, Crabmom. This Ikea has been a long time coming to Portland, and I will admit that I have been eagerly anticipating its arrival, since our only previous Ikea access was to drive up to Seattle.
However, once inside Ikea PDX, my shopping-induced agoraphobia kicked in much faster than usual, and my only instinct was to flee...which was made impossible by all of the Ikea zombies. We need to make another visit to get bookshelves & glass-door cabinets for the computer room, but I am dreading this.

Thursday, September 6, 2007 at 6:05:00 AM PDT

Blogger Lisa said...

You have to take time off work and go in the middle of the day on a week day. I went last Tuesday at 3pm and was in and out in 30 minutes! Seriously! And some of that time was waiting to return a stupid shoe rack I had purchased last time.

Friday, September 7, 2007 at 9:45:00 PM PDT


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